BE ALIVE!
Who'd a thought that my inability to.....
How to put this politely?
To be able to clear my sinus cavities and chest congestion by self propelling the phlegm from my body.
Oooh, who am I kidding?
TO HOCK A LOOGIE!
Who'd a thought that this inability could be the DEATH of me???
Well, I never dreamed it could be,
that is until today when I had a brush with the cold, hard fact that this utterly disgusting, stomach turning act would save my life.
You see I have recently found a sweet little treat that I can enjoy without any guilt.
My new BFF, The Skinny Cow....
Well, apparently these bad boys are the perfect mini size to fit right down the 'ole wind pipe.
And so when you couple that, with a hollering loonatick mom yelling to her boys in the back yard, disaster happens!
So picture this:
me standing at the back door,
skinny cow in hand,
having just inhaled the tip of the fudge pop that broke off,
yelling for my boys, of all things, to be careful,
when....
"WHOOOP"
in the pipe it went.
Now I instantly knew what had happened and my first thought is,
"Don't panic!"
OK, well maybe the first thought is,
"OH CRAP!"
So I calmly go through a mental assessment of the situation:
1st - How far has the ice cream gone?
2nd - Don't try to breath through my mouth cause if I do I might get it suck worse.
3rd - I must look ridiculous standing here slumped over, mouth hanging open, eyes watering - I better shut the door so the neighbors don't see!
4th - Can I still breath in and out through my nose?
5th - How long will it take for this puppy to melt if I'm standing here not breathing?
Then it hits me....
I should've NEVER looked down at the art of HOCKING A LOOGIE!!!
After a quick thrust and jerk, that Skinny Cow shot back up and out.
So clearly I've learned a few valuable lessons today.
A - I'm pretty dang calm during a crisis,
B - Think I'll be finding a new ice cream BFF,
C - I care WAY too much about what the neighbors might see,
and D - You never know what ability (no matter how unladylike and disgusting they may be) might save your life!
So, to all my friends out there,
keep a hock'n and a spit'n
in the name of safety.
6 comments:
As scary as that is, you write about it in such a funny way! Glad you are safe and alive :) When I was 13, I was babysitting and I was sucking on a piece of ice. Well down my throat it went. I considered drinking boiling water, letting it melt in my throat, etc... I ended up giving myself the Heimlich maneuver over the edge of a chair! Totally scary but amazing how in the face of death one can be so calm.
Okay I am totally crackimg up!! I know it was really scary, but I agree the way you tell the story is pretty funny! I am glad you are okay and everything "came out"!!!
Glad that you are still alive:-)
They make a truffle bar that is bigger than the skinny cow fudge bars. It's chocolate or vanilla ice cream drizzled with chocolate. I don't think it would get stuck in your throat.
If you still lived in Vegas, the heat would've melted it as soon as you opened your back door...
That's what you get for eating "Skinny Cow" stuff.... it would have never happened with Hasgen Dazs! :) Ha ha ha! Love ya sis-- glad you're okay!
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